Handing in my notice

I am handing in my notice.

 I have been doing this job for nearly five years but to be honest it is time for me to hand over the ropes to someone else. The day to day job is ok but the hours are rubbish I always do twelve hour shifts at least and the occasional night shift.

Getting a day off requires diary planning beyond belief. The day must first be requested when fellow worker is in good mood, then it must be put into writing by means of circling in red pen proposed date on wall calendar. Reminders must be set by email so fellow worker doesn’t ‘accidentally’ forget and arranges to go with boys to football. Finally night before proposed day off, lunches must be prepared, clothes laid out, milk expressed, instruction manual for baby created detailing nap and feed times, activities must be suggested, house must be immaculate, dog needs to be walked within inch of  her life and then wifely duties may also need to be performed to express gratitude. All of which leaves one rather too knackered to enjoy said day off.

Taking multiple days off ended when I was promoted and went from managing two to three.

My job is nothing like the advert I applied to which read.

‘Supervisor needed, excellent opportunity for young professional to pass on her knowledge to her team and to raise new talent. 9 months training, followed by an intensive crash course. Opportunity to grow team as and when desired, no experience necessary. Excellent rewards on offer for right individual’.

Today’s shift has left me thinking I went down the wrong the path and should have applied for the advert which read:

 ‘General dogsbody needed, this is a paid position.’

So I am looking to hand in my notice, but apparently the terms of employment specify I must recruit a replacement. Please pass on the following advert to anyone you know that may be interested.

‘Strong manager needed to deal with unruly team of three. Must be experienced in handling all types of human matter as will come into contact with wee, poo, and sick on a day to day basis. Ability to multi task is imperative as one will be expected to breastfeed, make breakfast for team, clothe team, tidy up after team and taxi team to work all before 8.30am five days a week. Must be excellent debater in order to manage elder female team member. Interview questions will include ‘do you know how thunder is made? Why can’t I wear my snow white dress to school? And of course how are babies made?’ If answer to last question includes ‘with love’ please don’t bother applying you won’t last a day. Patience is a crucial as is experience in sign language as one male team member is prone to sudden attacks of deafness normally towards the end of the day when work activities need to be put away. It can also be brought on by sentences including the words “share, don’t and stop that” – apparently there is no cure. Package includes little thanks, a lot of headaches and a tiny sum from the government each month’.

(Just kidding – I love them all really and wouldn’t change it for the world! But if anyone wants to do my job for the week I’ll happily let go of the reins!)

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