A Northern Mum in New York (almost)

We had arrived in the land of the free, the country full of irony that doesn’t really get sarcasm. Home to the size zero it also produces pizzas the size of planets and hot dogs which can make a well endowed man cover his nether regions in shame.

Oh yes, he who helped create them, beautiful baby and I had arrived stateside for our first american wedding!

Without any real sadness we abandoned twin boy and girl at home with the dog as a nanny, we left appropriate amounts of food and water and a map of how to get to school and strict instructions to not open the window to any boy pretending to have lost his shadow or offering glamorous trips to never never land.

Beautiful baby managed to win several admirers on the plane as she beamed whole heartedly in the knowledge that she is clearly mummy’s favourite as she was joining us on the trip. I didn’t ruin her illusion by telling her it was only the fact that I couldn’t bear the idea of milking myself five times a day like a farm animal that she was laying in my arms in business class as opposed to in the dogs bed back home.

So the wedding. Four months after birthing a child I was a bridesmaid, so I squeezed myself into a multitude of spanx related underwear and got several lovely american ladies to pin my bosom to the dress so I didn’t inadvertently pop out during the vows.

Even though the worlds biggest superpower didn’t have enough electricity to heat my GHD’s via an adaptor plug I tamed my fluffy locks with the bride’s curved flatirons which were clearly american as they were hotter than hell itself and managed to remove a small portion of skin from my forehead. Which was good as my ‘third eye’ managed to distract attention occasionally away from my tightly packed lactating chest which jiggled dangerously with every heeled footstep I took.

I studiously tried to avoid standing near the much slimmer bridesmaid. I mean on what other occasion would you voluntarily choose to wear the same dress as someone a good six sizes smaller than you? The bride was beautiful she managed to abandon her sweat pants for a glamorous gown and was truly breathtaking as she walked down the aisle.

The foreigner took centre stage as I left my pew to do a reading, I would hazard a guess that out of the 90 guests only he who helped create them heard me clearly. The other 89 were struck by accent envy At the reception later many lovely americans went out of their way to seek me out to compliment my eloquent speaking ability and they all asked about my life back home in australia!

 The reception was awesome! We loved every minute but encountered some very different traditions to what we do on our side of the pond. The whole event is choreographed by a DJ who provides a running commentary of the proceedings, she was a cross between the voiceover chap on big brother and a yellow coat from hi de hi. Before taking your seats for dinner the bridal party have to be introduced so little old me got to feel like a celebrity as I and my american husband Dave walked in for dinner to be greeted my rapturous applause. After flying in business class, being adored for my aussie accent, and getting clapped for walking in a straight line my ego is now at an all time high. I need to get back to blighty to bring me back to earth.

My highlight of the evening has to go to the slightly older lady who was cutting some moves ‘wedding singer’ style on the dance floor accompanied at the other end of the scale by a four year old break dancer. I see a future duo for Americas got talent!

Games were played involving chickens and dollars, cake was smeared lovingly across the grooms mouth, me and he who helped create them became hugely patriotic when chumbawunda blasted out through the speakers and it took a british song sung by a political activist to act as a dance floor magnet and pull all the americans onto their dancing feet!

The americans called it a day at eight pm, rather sensible I thought in comparison to the british who aren’t satisfied until the bar has been drunk dry and ‘c’mon eileen’ has been played at least twice.

To my lovely friends the newly weds, I hope your life together is like riding on a rainbow, full of colour and never ending. Thankyou for the invite and the holiday. I love you both very much.

Now it is time to get back to my kids… I hope the house is still standing!