Lard Arse

by

I have cultivated and grown what can only be described as a lard arse.

I am not looking for sympathy here in fact some days I am quite proud of it. My Lard arse is baby beautiful s lesser known uglier twin. I grew both baby beautiful and lard arse at the same time and whilst baby beautiful chose to exit my body over six months ago (although she does re attach four to five times a day to replenish herself) lard arse has suffered some anxiety and separation issues and has refused to leave.

I haven’t helped my little lard arse in his quest to leave my body. In fact on tough days I have comforted him with chocolate and lovely fattening pies; I have never gone easy on the portions. And on happy days we have celebrated with cheese and cake and we have always gone back for seconds. But quite frankly the rest of the family seem to be tiring of my little comfort baby and the vote has been taken that lard arse simply must leave.

Twin boy wants lard arse to detach himself so I can sit on his top bunk again without fear of the whole thing coming down like a stack of dominos. Twin girl wants me to ‘shrunk’ back down so I can wear skirts again not bin liners. He who helped create them is hoping I will get some more energy in the room where the magic happened (twice) – don’t anyone burst his bubble its good for him to have dreams. And baby beautiful loves me just the way I am but is jealous of all the attention I sometimes ply on her twin brother, lard arse.

So today it starts, I donned the lycra and pulled on my gloves. If lard arse isn’t going to simply drop off and be presented to me by a smiling doctor saying ‘congratulations a 28lb baby’ then I am going to have to run him off one step at a time.

I have set a goal, in 19 weeks I will stand at the start of the London Marathon, just me, without my lard arse.

Hopefully I will finish it in one piece!

Hopefully I will finish it!

Goodbye sweet lard arse; mummy will miss you….

18 thoughts on “Lard Arse”

  1. Hahahahahaha, I’m laughing at the comic writing style not your misfortunate lard arse, which of course I have never seen or indeed wish to!

    I have to laugh out loud at the thought of the bunk bed collapsing…

    I’m sure you lard arse will indeed not be accompanying you on your marathon run and in fact you’ll probably run past others with lard arses runners who have not quite had the foresight you have and done something about it now!

    A great read (as ever)

    x

  4. Ha ha great post. I too have a lard arse and have spent a large part of this year trying to get shut of it. See my Bootcamp posts. I can keep it up for 6 weeks or so and then cave in. My youngest is 19 by the way, so I have no excuse.

    Good luck with the marathon. My you’re one brave lady.

  5. Loved this. Give yourself a break though! Lard arse has only been a cling-on for 6 months! I wish you luck and determination for London. Make a plan, write it down and stick to it. Oh. One more thing. Pray it doesn’t snow and if it does, at least lard arse will keep you warm!

  7. Very Funny and well written, I think we all empathise with you! What a goal you have set, 19 weeks and a marathon, good luck.

    I did it 8 years ago, and never again, I came to the conclusion, that God gave me a car, so I wouldn’t have to walk or run.

    Keep us posted.

    xx

  8. Very funny & so well written,well done for taking on the challange!!,I think it’s about time my lard arse went!,you’ve inspired me!.

  9. Well done with the Marathan Jane! That will be a massive accomplishment.

    ..and as for this post about lard arse – fabulously written. You never fail to make me smile, although of course I hope lard arse leaves you soon!

    Mich x

  10. Oooo good luck! If all is well I may be marshalling the marathon next year again – usually on the corner by Big Ben. I shall keep an eye out for you and give you a shout!! (See, I’m too pathetic to actually run it so I got involved in the volunteering side instead – Less fitness required though it does always involve a 4am start…)

    xxxx

  12. Good luck! I have the same trouble, how to give up fattening pies. I have a lard stomach aka pie gut but will attempt to whittle it down in the new year.

  13. Awesome! Good for you! I’m in a different position the weight has dropped off my arse which is now flat as a pancake!! Unfirtunately I still have a Keg! Around the middle!

Comments are closed.