We all remember our first time!
It was soft and gentle, I worked my post natal body into positions a yoga instructor would be proud of. I even discovered that the balls were great fun to snuggle into, and occasionally even fun to grab and throw. The temptation to throw caution to the wind and slide my way to pleasure was immense. The kids were forgotten about and I was in ecstasy sliding, grabbing and playing with he who helped create them in time to the pumping beat.
Fast forward five years and the thought of visiting another soft play centre is enough to break me out in a cold sweat. Seriously I would rather go for a full facial wax with no Ibruprofen before hand rather than dip my big toe in a ball pool. I have joined the ranks of other parents huddled over cooling coffees fighting for the corner table away from the pounding speakers. Never really overtly worried about which activity my child is leaping from so long as they don’t find me and ask me to play.
In the last five years I have been to a multitude of soft play centres. Some big, some small, some with slides so fast they tear a bit of skin off the small of your back as your t shirt rides up high as grown up clothes are not designed to slip down plastic. My arse has been stuck in tubes not meant for size 16 mums and I have shamed my children time and time again by stopping half way down the slide as my booty is just too big. And sweet lord I despise the rollers, there is nothing worse then moving your too big body sweatily around the too small apparatus and then suddenly being confronted by two rollers with only a space for a “A” cup between then. Twin girl slips her elastic body through the gap easily, shouting for me to join her and I check my pockets in the hope I will find a man sized tub of vaseline lurking to help me through. Every time its the same, I become an undignified mess of boobs, belly and legs heaving myself through a piece of gym kit designed for a child (and a small one at that!)
I swear my hearing has been affected by the endless screams of childish pleasure and screeches of tears as twin boy takes out yet another alien (someone else’s child) with a ball from the pit.
But I love to see the newbies, the first time parents who don’t let their little one out of their sight, who whoop with excitement at their first time in a ball pool in twenty years. I smile from my hiding place at the back of the room remembering the parent I once was. For a moment I think about going back into the devils playground but all too quickly the memory of my arse stuck in a tunnel comes rushing back to me and claustaphobia sets in and I take refuge in my tea and flapjack.
I will never forget my first time, but really I don’t need to do it again!
It wasn’t my first time, but I can remember getting stuck in a tunnel in a soft play area when pregnant with DD2. I was so firmly wedged in, they had to get a man to come in and unscrew the tunnel from the floor so they could pull it over my head.
Oh the shame.
Oh that’s fabulous! I have tears in my eyes, worth writing a whole blog for!
I don’t suppose there are any photos of this? Or a video for that matter? It’s priceless anyway, but it’d be priceless+£250 from Harry Hill if there was a video (and if you were willing to share it of course!)
ROFL, I am always in the soft play area… not climbing in the tubes, but in all the rest of the areas! Saying that it might be a good way to find out how much weight I have lost!
It gets worse.
After I’d taken my bruised ego back to the car, i discovered I’d lost my phone. So I have to take DD back in, and flop about in the ball pit to find it, all the time being glared at by the little maintenance man who was busy power screwing the upended tunnel back into place.
I love you, will you be my best friend?
Am crying with laughter. Thank you Northern mum and My Mumdom. I needed cheering up this evening.
My first time I nearly broke my neck trying to walk gracefully out of the ball pit. Now I just lunge at the door! I still love taking DD there though. They’ve got a bouncy net thing that she tries to run on and it makes us both giggle. Talking of which My Mummydom deserves an Oscar for that comment – I nearly spat out my tea! 😀
Just this weekend I was telling soon to be parents about the horrors of the soft play centers. Their eyes glazed over and I could hear their thoughts ‘yes, but *we* won’t be that kind of parent.’
I’ll be sure to encourage them to have their child’s third birthday party at one. I figure that’s about the best age to experience the worst of those places. Ugh! The person who invents a Parent Friendly Play Center will become a very wealthy person…
Funny post, I can sooooooo relate!
Great post and fab comments, I have tears in my eyes also!!! We have a big theme park called twinlakes near us and we are always there. I was still going in the soft play area and down the big slides at 37 weeks with SPD as my little girl was too small to go in alone, not fun but luckily didn’t get stuck!!!
My daughter accused me this evening of being ‘grave’. What she doesn’t understand is that I have spent years cultivating this appearance so that when a child needs someone to ‘help’ or to ‘play’ or to ‘be fun’ with them in the soft-play centre, I’m the last parent they turn to. It’s like being the last one to be picked for the sports team…accidentally ON PURPOSE, when you know that actually by now they have enough players, so you’ll get to sit the whole game out, swigging gin from your ‘water’ bottle. (What do you mean you can’t take in your own food and drink?!) E x
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The rollers arghhhh I have a get out clause for them which I love. My Glasses! Woot woot! There is a reason for being four eyes! I can not get through rollers and they will break my glasses I have gone ten years of working with children with this reason and it has never ever failed me. xx