What have I done

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I am known to carry a little weight now and then. I am constantly embroiled in a passionate love affair with food, some days I can’t get enough of it to the point that he who helped create them has to hide the kids treats but on other days I manage to exercise some self control and resist the lure of the fridge.

I am an awful dieter; if I start breakfast with something ‘naughty‘ (easter egg, Mars Bar, Jam on toast) then the day is ruined for me and it is not uncommon for me to trough my way through the biscuit tin, then have bread and dripping for lunch followed by remains of kids tea and a take out pizza for supper. But catch me on a health kick and I am like a nice version of Gillian Mckeith.

Now the point of this is; what I didn’t realise was the hours of squeezing myself into knickers bigger than BB and moaning despairingly at my muffin top, running a marathon to lose my baby belly seem to have had an effect on twin girl.

Not always that body concious (she spent yesterday naked on the front lawn whilst playing happily for hours) she flounced in my room this morning hand on hip and declared;

“Mummy I can’t wait this, it makes my tummy look big.”

She is five.

And for the record whilst inheriting my vivacious appetite she seems to have her fathers genes and resembles a beautiful skinny beanpole but I wouldn’t give a rats ass if she looked like a little pudding if she still ate her five a day.

So what have I done?

Every time I have squeezed into a pair of too small jeans and stood in front of the mirror practising not breathing she has watched me. When I have had a temper tantrum with clothes that used to hang off me but now cling to my love handles she was stood on the sidelines watching me grumble. She doesn’t read Heat or Hello and is not ruled by images of too skinny models declaring size 8 and below is the only way to be. Her role model is me and I think I have ballsed up.

I grew up with a mum who whilst is utterly beautiful has given half her life savings to fat clubs and gyms. I probably knew how to work out weight watchers points before I could do my nine times table, and I thought green and red days were days of the week. Did this make me into a greedy guts? I doubt it, I have a compulsive personality and I love food (especially cake, lord I love cake)

So where to now; I want to be slim, but I want to teach my kids that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I want to raise health concious kids who never set foot in a queue to be weighed but I think I need to join weight watchers.

The paradox of parenting.

Once again I have no answers for myself….

18 thoughts on “What have I done”

  1. you sound just like me! For months I have been saying I need to diet for my girly holiday, have I lost any weight? NO! So with the holiday looming (next week) I have now resorted to my out of date Slimfast bars & shakes. I’m sure we all talk about diets & slimming in front of our kids, its hard not to, I’ve even taken mine to the WW weigh ins when OH has been away but it never made them think twice about scoffing chocolate for breakfast,pasties for lunch & chips for tea at the weekend…..
    x

  2. It’s a tricky one. I’m the same. I’ve been moaning loads recently about the bulge I need to shift before my wedding, then catching myself thinking “thank God Frog is still a baby and can’t really take on board what I’m blabbing on about” (I hope). It’s probably about balance, yet again. And trying to make our kids feel happy and content in their own skin. Which I suppose means we need to learn how to feel happy and content in our own skin first. Bugger. I’m not very good at that. x

  3. Tricky, as mothersalwaysright said. I have put on weight in more places than my bump and often moan to my husband about being worried that I won’t lose it all after the baby’s born but this is part of an ongoing pattern: my default has always been to be verbal about my size and shape. You’ve made me think though – we’re having a daughter and if I don’t start changing these habits, will my complex affect her?

    On the other hand, your daughter is only five and maybe she’s just saying that to be like you, the way that some little girls want to wear lipstick because mummy does. But just as they don’t really get what makeup is all about, maybe she’s not internalised the weight thing just yet.

  4. I don’t have girls, but even around my boys, I make sure I never talk with words like fat or skinny. I tend to just talk about exercising to feel healthy and good, but my oldest has already picked up from somewhere that if you don’t excercise you’ll get fat. Not necessarily false, but I’d prefer they didn’t think in those terms but just enjoyed sport and being active because it makes you feel good…

    Whenever I hear mothers talk about their body issues in front of their little girls, I cringe – girls will have such a hard time with puberty and changing body shape as is… why not try to lessen the blow by teaching them to just enjoy being active…

    • To be fair that is something we do; my two are mad about running since I started training but they also watched my figure change and twin girl was very concious of that…

      • It’s interesting to hear that girls observe changes in body shape without anyone bringing their attention to it. My boys are totally oblivious of my shape :), but other than being pregnant, my weight’s always sort of been the same, so maybe they’d notice if I lost of gained a lot… don’t know, don’t want to find out 🙂

        • Yep twin boy makes no comment at all? Maybe there is something about gender differences after all. Twin girl spends a huge amount of time choosing clothes etc, twin boy couldn’t care less… Did I do that or nature?

  5. You are completely right to worry about the effect that your dieting has on your children. I’m sure parental fixations on weight are responsible for a larger number of eating disorders in children who should be too young to have any idea about such things.
    I think the secret is to think about how you think your life would be better if you were smaller.
    Would your husband and kids love you more? Would your friends like you more? Would your life be that much better? If you eat healthily and get plenty of exercise, losing fat is probably not going make you much more healthy.
    Only you can decide if constantly watching what goes into your mouth and stressing about the size of your thighs is really worth the energy you put into it.

  6. Its so hard with children isn’t it? We’ve only just realised that our 4 year old takes in and remembers everything, so we have to be so careful what we do and say. He cottoned onto Daddy being on a diet, and started saying he wanted ‘a big fat tummy’ like Daddy. I was so worried about him going to nursery and calling someone fat.

    I’ve had eating disorders galore and am quite concious that I don’t want to pass that onto my children, so try to have a chilled out attitude round them. I think its more personality types rather than parental influence though. I’m quite obsessive :-). It would be an interesting research proposition 🙂

    Brilliant post! x

  7. Hmmmmm. It’s nibbling on the kids tea that gets me every time! Am currently desperately trying not to sneak to the kitchen and eat some of their Easter eggs. SUCH a bad mother!

  8. I can see this being me in a few years. I also carry too much weight. I really want to shift it, be fit and healthy and a good role model for my daughter. Luckily, she’s only 11 months old so isn’t really taking in my frustrations over living in the three pairs of jeans that fit me. I do need to kick my chocolate-eating butt into gear and get myself sorted.

  9. I battled with my weight between the years of about 18 – 28 but since getting married and having kids have actually lost weight – to the extent that people give me that ‘pah you haven’t got a clue’ face when talking about diets. I didn’t change anything – I just firmly believe it’s learning to be happy in your own skin and not obsessing, because the more you do the more you think about food, then denial, then have I been ‘good’ ‘bad’, then f*ck it I’m having that double cheese burger and chips AND shake…As for your daughter – well you know already the best lesson you can teach her. Good luck!

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