are you dead? if not please call back later…

by

Yoohoo…

Are you there?

I think there is interference on the line… I am trying to reach Jane Blackmore?

I called earlier and Twin Boy’s mummy answered the phone; she couldn’t talk because she was knee deep in making packed lunches and making Dinosaurs sandwiches for one child and Dolphin ones for the other. She managed to quickly splutter out that Jane may be reachable after seven but then she had to hang up as the stress level of ensuring the packed lunch contained at least three portions of fruit and veg became too much for her.

I tried yesterday and twin girl’s mummy took the call; again she was hard pressed to chatter as she was involved in the nightly reading ritual and had her fist in her mouth to prevent crying out in agony as her lovely daughter forgot for the hundredth time the phonic pronunciation of “ch”. Twin girl’s mummy scared me a little as patience is clearly not her strong point, she said Jane was unlikely to be around that evening as she would be consumed with guilt and questioning her right as a parent because twin girl’s mummy did rubbish at reading (again).

When I tried last week I got he who helped create them’s wife who wasn’t free to speak as she was trying desperately to hack at the ageing forest on her legs with a rather blunt razor as he who helped create them had been making amorous suggestions that tonight could be her lucky night.

I did put a quick call in later but Jane was in bed with a headache…

I have called in the morning before eight o clock, if anyone answers it is a miracle, but whenever they do whoever answers the phone merely growls in a feral way and states;

“I have 3 kids, one job, one school run to do, I have breakfast to make, beds to smooth, Twin Boy needs a poo, I have to make sure he wipes, BB needs meds, I need a shower, I have to get packed lunches, book bags, gym kits and children all to the car. Unless someone has died I. Do. Not. Need. This. Call.” And then they abruptly hang up…

If I call on the weekend I usually get to speak to twin girl, twin boy, and BB’s chauffeur who can’t really speak as she is driving from activity to the next.

Some times if I call in the evening some bird called northern mum answers and she is no good to speak to, she is often heavily under the influence of gin and is typing furiously on her blog.

So please if you see Jane, ask her to call me.

Yes I can leave her a message; it’s Jane’s social life, we haven’t seen each other for ages, just wanted to catch up.

Bye now.

25 thoughts on “are you dead? if not please call back later…”

  1. Dear Social Life, you do well to contact Jane through her blog. This is indeed a trusty form of communication. Can I also suggest you lure her to London with the promise of wine and a night out minus the children – then she may respond to your calls a bit quicker. Failing that – I’m happy to take a message for you.

  2. This is… did you steal my life?! I laughed! I cried! …mostly for me though… it’s just too close to home 😉

    Following your blog and twitter now 🙂

  3. arf arf – who would dare to call Jane who is one super busy lady???? That reminds me I have to go make a packed lunch now ready for tomorrow: slices of ham, 1 banana and fromage frais pot. Yup that easy for 4 tear old – she is on a no eating diet

  5. You’ll be shocked to hear that my social life caught up with me yesterday and took me to a fun filled evening on a friends boat.

    Yes. Boat.

    My key learning yesterday evening is that when visiting a home on the Thames it’s best not to do so in a pencil skirt. Getting on and off was interesting….

  7. I am actually scared of the telephone. Always say to people email me I can reply then when I get a minute most likely when I’m on the loo. X

  8. He he, had to chuckle at this one. Social Life and I have been separated for some time. I am hoping for a reconciliation at some point, but I won’t hold my breath… 😀

  13. Hello, and thank you for calling THE REAL JANE BLACKMORE. If you are a family member in trouble (it had better be serious) press ONE now. If you have some really juicy gossip (personal gutter-press quality) press TWO now. If you just want a friendly chat, press THREE now…
    [presses 3]
    We ARE very busy at the moment and it’s taking a longer than usual time to answer your call. Please continue to hold. Your call is at position SEVENTY-FOUR in the queue. Alternatively, you can leave a comment on Jane’s blog at northernmum DOT wordpress DOT com. Thank you.
    [Tchaikovsky’s piano concerto no.1 in B flat minor plays all the way through…]

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