I am an exceptional parent

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Given the right children I firmly believe I could be an exceptional parent. I have read a multitude of books on how to be a fabulous mother and have the theory pretty much bang on.

I know to blame the behaviour not the child and in theory I can understand how this works but when my eldest offspring is found experimenting with what floats in the toilet bowl I can’t help but think I have given birth to a child with a devil streak rather than a child with devilish behaviour.

In theory I know shouting achieves nothing but a dependence on throat lozenges but in parenting practice it occasionally makes me feel a whole lot fecking better.

You see in theory I am perfect but I think I ordered the wrong kids to translate that into practice. It is like passing the written test of driving exam and then turning up for the big test to be confronted with a manual when you have only ever driven automatic before.

In theory I know not to rock the babe until she falls asleep but reality tells me if I don’t it could be hours before I fasten my lips round the glass of Pinot waiting for me downstairs.

I know sticker charts work, but frankly after six long, hard years of parenting I am bored shitless of making charts to stick stars on to reward them for eating a meal without stabbing each other with their forks. Why can’t they behave without the motivation of something to stick on my adult wall.

in theory I know an inquisitive mind shows a bright child, but in practice I am often found close to tears or gin when I get asked “why” for the fifty second time that morning.

I know I should stick to my guns and follow through and keep my punishments real; but still I hear myself cancelling Christmas, promising to leave them at their nanny’s and I also know deep in my heart if they keep on they will get their way.

Sadly they know this too.

But in theory I am the parent to talk to, just do as I say, not as I do…

18 thoughts on “I am an exceptional parent”

  2. Sounds like you have the theory licked 😉 Unfortunately it’s the kids who get in the way of putting it all into practice – they never seem to throw the tantrum quite in the way that it’s described in the book and their idosyncracies are sometimes just idiotic – my 7yo stood slap bang in the middle of a dog poo in his new shoes on the way to school this morning then chose to wipe said poo on his brothers tee shirt…… keep calm and carry on? I think not.

  5. Love this post. It made me laught this week when Roo demanded 18 cuddlytoys go to go bed with and I informed her no she would be too hot, this resulted in a screaming match for ten minutes with her eventually calming down and getting into bed. Within 10 minutes I could hear ‘thud, thud, thud’ as the plethora of furry animals hit the floor and a shout of ‘yeah mum, you were right I was hot’. Needless to say I gave myself a smug smile, grabbed my glass of wine and sat back to watch some car crash TV on MTV

  6. I am that mum too! so gald its not just my kids that stab, scrape, pinch, pull hair and box each other – where did I go wrong? They are only 21 months and yet stronger than me! Definitely agree with Michelle Twin Mum – it is cos we are outnunbered – and they know it! #notsocutenow

  8. Theory, in my opinion, is devised by people who’ve never had kids/who are too old to remember the reality or who’ve sent their offspring off with the nanny while they write their childcare manuals.

  9. I am one too! I live in hope that one day the correct children will be sent, so they will sit and eat quietly, will play nicely and do as they are told without making a fuss. In the meantime I am thinking of getting earplugs for the neighbours as I seem to be shouting a little too much.

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