Let down by the school

When your breasts hit the floor quicker than your palms – Northernmum

by

I have said this before but sod it I am saying it again; I am sick to the back teeth of getting old.

Especially when in real years I am not even aged, the average human bean lives well into their seventies, at thirty five I am not even halfway.  You don’t get to mile eleven of a marathon and expect happy cheers of “almost there, keep going.” If you did you would chin the optimistic idiot because another fifteen miles is a fecking long way to run.

Why then at the childish age of 35 am I targeted with anti aging cream, assaulted in shops with juices to rejuvenate my hands and flogged hair dyes to colour my grey?

It would seem the answer is that I look old; and for this I can only thank my offspring.

But christ I feel old…

Music on Radio One now sounds like noise and classic fm soothes me like a good whiskey.

Sometimes I record the ten o’clock news as I can’t keep my eyes open.

I bend to touch my toes  and my breasts get there first.

I struggle to get out of bed because my ‘joints’ are suffering because it is winter.

I religiously remove my coat upon entering the car or house or shop so I can really feel the benefit outside.

Eyebrow tweezing starts at my neck.

On girls nights out topics of conversation always include how to avoid sex, weeing when you sneeze and on occasion discussing the signs and symptoms of menopause.

Make up is no longer worn during the day.

My underwear is chosen on comfort alone.

When One Direction come on the TV I feel almost ashamed of my inappropriate desires.

I have a serious wrinkle in the middle of my brow as a result of squinting at prices and muttering “how much” and “I remember when the bus was 2p”.

Sex is performed as a means to helping induce sleep.

I have heard life begins at forty…

Here’s hoping…

23 thoughts on “When your breasts hit the floor quicker than your palms – Northernmum”

  1. I can totally relate to this as at 34, I still feel 19 but the Radio 1 comment really made me laugh! I got asked for ID the month after my youngest daughter was born. I was 33 years old! I think this may have been something to do with the girlie child’s grip I had shoved in my hair!

    This is obviously the way forward 🙂

  2. Oh dear. Some of us were having a right chat about this on Twitter today – all right, all day and you’re well behind us. We were discussing being peri menopausal coz I felt like that woman off the ASDA advert today but without her smile. I was grumpy and hot, but not in a good way. We’re forming a club but you’re too young to join. Hope that makes your day 🙂

  3. Was going to comment but can’t be as funny as Anya so instead I’ll just say I have read, and am dreading my imminent 40th birthday……
    x

  4. I wish I could have summed it up as eloquently as you!
    Great post, although you are a few years behind me *sobs into a hanky*

  5. My OH is 35 and he always moans that he feels old. I tell him god sake, you are not old! You are as young as you feel (or the person you are feeling ;)) As always you do make me LOL. Breats touching your toes before your hands do…hehehe…I wish I had that problem…mine are too small LOL

  6. I would have said that all of those symptoms show middle age to be the comfortable desirable condition that it is. And it does get even better past 40 – you can eliminate sex entirely for sleep arrived unbidden while you’re still under your tartan blanket in your armchair.

  7. I am actually waiting for life to get better 🙂 But other things aside I am more comfortable in my skin at 50 than I ever was, I don’t seem to care so much any more and accept the inevitable (though I know I am blessed with good skin). Nobody looks at me any more, so I can dress as I please and I do 🙂 Whatever feels right to you is fine, live life your way, that’s all that matters and don’t laugh too much if you see me tanked up on rum and jumping up and down to Rhianna in my high heeled boots. Anyway it only happens about once a year 🙂 xx

  9. Oh you little whippersnapper you have NO IDEA! Just be careful with the peri menopausal stuff, I thought I was at 38, doc ordered tests, I was pregnant with my surprise package! And it’s pretty good t’other side of 40, I’m much happier in my skin even if it is a bit baggy.

  12. I’m in my VERY early 40’s but feel in my 90’s. They lied when they said life begins at 40, it’s just an excuse for advertisers to encourage you to spend more money, trust me I know, I no longer use foundation instead opting to go straight for the pollyfilla 🙂 you will start to sound like your mother when “young people” complain, but hey enjoy it & join the rest of us!

  13. Hee hee thanks for the lauch! I agree with you about Radio 1 (although I am only 27) and am now love the confessions on radio 2! If this is what I have to look forward to I can’t wait! Why was I in such a rush to grow up when I was younger??!!

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