I have cried in Next twice in my life. Once was a few years back when I got into a fight with a pair of size 14 jeans. My argument was that they were merely a size 10 impersonating a 14 but every time I tried on a fresh pair with the same label they steadily refused to go over my thighs.
It was eventually with sobs of despair that I peeled myself out of the blue denim and laid breathless on the floor until some kindly soul handed me a pair of 16’s (which must have been 14’s on a fat day). Then as the zip slid up without too much protest I cried again as I realised that my ongoing weight battle was at a losing stance again….
Image courtsey of Shutterstock
Today I cried again…
But this time I was outside of the changing room, in a sea of Christmas Shoppers, where a curtain couldn’t hide my tears.
It was a shade embarrassing.
To say the least…
I was returning goods.
I have a hobby of ordering half of Next’s stock online, and trying it on at home (mainly because I cry in changing rooms when it doesn’t fit.). Then I traipse to the store to return all unwanted items, or the bits that empathise my muffin top….
Today, I handed a bag to the nice lady behind the counter who beamed at me.
“No good dear?”
I shook my head in agreement, I didn’t think she needed to know that I looked like an elephant in the leggings and Mr Blobby in the pink sweater. And when I wore them both together I looked like the love child of an elephant and Mr Blobby.
She then went to type in my refund in the posh computer that masquerades as a till.
“Can I take you first and second name dear?”
And I told her….
“That’s not what we have here lovely,” she chirped.
Ah, she wanted my old name – the one I discarded as soon as my husband left me.
I spoke again, using a name I don’t connect with me.
“Just married eh?” She beamed and her eyes sought the evidence on my left hand. Then as she saw only a naked knuckle, the penny dropped and she raised her eyes to mine.
“I’m getting divorced” I whispered.
Then to my mortification a huge welt of a tear hit the desk between us.
I pondered about trying to pretend there was a leak in the roof, despite the lack of rain outside. My imagination was trying to figure out a tale to explain away the water when two more huge drops fell from my eyes, as the woman stared transfixed.
“Hardest thing in the world, when your life doesn’t go as planned my love. Just keep going.”
And then she rubbed my arm and walked me out of the shop.
“Take care” she said as I walked, red faced, wet eyed to the car.
Sometimes sadness catches you when you weren’t expecting it. And sometimes complete strangers can be the bestest of friends.
And sometimes, shops should put their size 14’s on the size 10 rail – just to make shopping more fun.
One of my best friends said to me, many years ago, that divorce isn’t an event. It’s a process. That you extricate yourself from a relationship over and over, in a million tiny different ways, every day. And sometimes it’s the small moments that remind us of what we’re going through.
I cried in Next, too. It was soon after we moved up North, and I lost Flea in the store. I was convinced it was evidence that I couldn’t possibly look after a child on my own. The upside is their staff are all basically 15 and to them, all middle-aged divorcees look the same.
Oh Jane, it’s so hard and hits you when you least expect it. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with and at times I was wrecked. But I did make it through and life is sweet again.
I don’t want to paint a paradise image, there is shit to shovel and a lot of pain but it does stop.
I have never forgotten my first husband and I live with the ‘what if’ every day but I am happy now and those thoughts don’t hurt like they did ten years ago.
Plod on honey, keep going, it will get better xx
Ohh Jane, so glad you got a nice shop assistant. Mich x
Ah but your life hasn’t turned out as expected so many times. Not that I’m trying to make you cry again.
Why does grief sneak up on you like that at the most awkward moments?? I had no idea the evil b***ard did that. Mind you, it’s possibly to show you, when you’re at your lowest, that people actually are rather good deep down. That’s very easy to forget xx
Ah hugs. I hate crying in public, glad that the shop assistant was nice to you though.
I think it is the unexpected moments that must get to you most and Christmas is always a hard time of year not to be in the stereotype family unit, chin up and wishing you and the family a lovely Christmas.
p.s Who are you kidding, you are a size 10 on a fat day!
I’ve never liked Next much.
Oh this just made me tearful. Love your writing, and love that the woman in the shop reacted this way. People can upset without meaning to, but then they can be simply lovely too. I also totally agree about the Size 14s on Size 10 rails, too 😉
Hugs Jane. Life is full of unexpected twists and turns. However you are strong and you will get through anything that life throws at you. Enjoy the good times and keep strong in the bad times. Keep smiling and you are so a size 10! xxxx
She sounds like a lovely assistant. You’re doing an amazing job and Xmas and New year will be hard but you will get through it. During a very hard autumn break up I would feel like I was plodding along but the tiniest things would make me angry, like stupid sparkly Xmas trees. You are Jane. You are an awesome awesome lady. Hope you have a lovely lovely Xmas Xx