Miscarriage: A Crack in My Heart….

by

The day I missed a miscarriage… 

It was 2009, it was a Friday, the weather was unremarkable, neither hot nor cold with no wind to blow the petals off the roses in the garden.

I was almost thirteen weeks pregnant with my third baby, I had turned a corner and left the exhaustion, the nausea and the love affair with my toilet bowl behind in the first trimester. I was upbeat, healthy and excited.

I lowered my clearly pregnant frame into the car clutching a wad of maternity notes hoping that upon arrival at the hospital they wouldn’t mistake my bulk for a woman about to go into labour.  I regretted the bag of Malteasers (family size) that I had scoffed the night before.

He who helped create them and I arrived in the waiting room, it was 8.55am, we had the privilege of being the first happy couple to be given an ultrasound that day.  We waited for the nurse to call out name and I leafed idly through a Hello magazine from 2008 whilst chatting with the speed of an over enthusiastic teenager;

‘shall we get one photo or two’

‘can we tell the twins tonight?’

‘we cant tell the sex yet?’

I babbled on and on as he who helped create them assumed a neutral expression and nodded in all the right places.

We were called into the room, I almost skipped with the delight of knowing I would soon have a glimpse of my little bean who had been tiring me out for the last three months.

I lay on the bed, cold jelly sticking to my tummy, the nurse smiled at me as she placed the camera on my tummy, I raised my head and turned to the screen.

I saw a small dark image, calmly lying still in my womb, a silent shadow just resting and waiting for a chance to say goodbye. 

I felt a tear softly ease down my cheek and a squeeze of my hand; I heard a plea rise in my throat and then fall away as words would have been useless.

I heard a soft sorry from the lady with the camera and I felt my heart crack.

I looked again at the image of what was not meant to be and whispered hello and cried a farewell.

I turned to a fabulous father and fell in his arms.

Heaven claimed another angel that day.

111 thoughts on “Miscarriage: A Crack in My Heart….”

  2. Pingback: A Crack in My Heart…. « Northern Mummy with Southern Children | Today Headlines

  3. Once again a beautiful post Jane. So sorry for your awful loss. Thank you for writing so sensitively about an experience that so many of us suffer. Wish I could give you a huge cwtch. xxxxxx

  4. A very moving post, brought a lump to my throat as I remembered my experience with my first pregnancy at my 20 week scan. Sleeping angels xx

  6. So touching. I know the feeling of seeing that baby on the screen and yet knowing all is lost. It’s heartbreaking and you have expressed it perfectly.

  11. Xxx

    I am ashamed to admit that it’s only now, as a mother, that I can understand the enormity of what my mum went through when she had a still birth when I was 6.

    What made you think of this today specifically?

    Kisses to your angel Xxx

    • I have wanted to write a post for this memory since northernmum began and it has been written in my head a dozen times.

      I don’t need the words to serve as a reminder because the image is etched on my soul, but I did want to say goodbye to a nameless soul that has defined a lot of the person I am today. So many of us lose a pregnancy or suffer the loss of a baby, miscarriage stats are about 1 in 3. That almost normalises it; I wanted to show that although it happens with alarming regularity that doesn’t erase the penetrating feelings of sorrow and loss.
      However I am not ruled by sadness had I not experienced that day I wouldn’t have BB so good can clearly grow from a teardrop.
      Why today?
      I don’t know I think I just felt ready to talk.

      X

      • Only you could have known when the time was right. I remember being told the statistics and pretending it made things easier. H’Boo was 4 of 5 pregnancies and my 1st born child – words can’t explain the relief of finally holding her. Then 8 years later after the end of an awful era and new beginnings K’boo came into our life. 2 out of 6 ain’t bad. Thanks for sharing the lows but also the highs of BB. A very well written post and beautifully put. Hope it helps you put any negativity to rest :o)

      • I had no idea so many people had to go through this. We’re the first in our friends and family to have babies so fortunately I’ve not had the experience of supporting someone through this.

        I don’t know if I could manage it. I don’t think I’d be strong enough.

        I told everyone as soon as I knew I was pregnant, throwing out the 12 week rule as I was sure my past Ill health would mean I’d miscarry and I’d need all the love and support I could get.

        How do people who don’t tell anyone manage. Your life just changed so completely, forever, but noone knows …

        I think it’s wonderful you wrote this, both because it’s a window for some of us to glimpse through and certainly it helps me understand the depth of loss so I’ll be better placed to support a friend should the time arise and also because the fact you felt ready must say a huge amount about your emotional recovery.

        Your positive outlook is an inspiration as always. Xx

  14. Oh Jane, what a beautifully written blog. It is the first blog I have read that has moved me so deeply. You are amazing. My heart has cracked for you. God bless the angels that look down on us. X

  17. I am so sorry that, like me, you have been through this terrible experience.
    A very beautifully written post though. Made me cry.
    Hugs to you xx

  24. writing this with tears in my eyes. Your post is simplicity itself and yet expresses your experience in a very moving way. Very brave of you to write it and hope time is helping heal the pain of your loss x

  25. Pingback: A different experience of pregnancy | Thinking About Learning

  28. im sorry lovely 🙁 beautifully written. I know how painful it is, my first set of twins were missed miscarriages though they were alot earlier. sending you love xxx

  31. You have a lovely way with words and have captured the experience that so many of us have sadly had. Thank you for bravely sharing, sorry for your pain. Being commonplace doesn’t lessen the heartache. x

  32. I am so moved and am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I am so sorry for what you went through, particularly as I have been there myself and this brought back all the raw emotions and pain.
    The responses here alone show how many people have been through this loss, but still it cuts each one of us so deeply.

    xxxxx

  33. A beautifully written post, I remember sitting with my SIL and watching the scene with her and seeing the look of loss on her face. She literally feel out the room into Mr L’s arms I have never seen them that close, but that day all she wanted/needed was her big brother they stood in that hospital hallway for ages while she was broken in two! You have captured it so well and I am so sorry xx

  34. Oh Jane, I have been here as well….have also wanted to blog the same since starting. Not quite there yet though………spookily similar but was our first baby. I often think what life would be like now.

    Gone but never, ever forgotten.

    xx

  38. What my poor mother really went through I’ll never know, only that I was an ‘only child’… I might have been the youngest of four. She was all the mum I could have wished for, and then some.

  41. So beautifully put. We had an early miscarriage, scan told us that our baby was gone. It was my 1st pregnancy so I was completely distraught. None of my friends understood and kept their distance. Luckily 3 months later I was pregnant again and Isla is here. Thanks for sharing. x

  44. What a lovely post about such a sad, and sadly common occurrence. We have a darling daughter and three angels. I know how that makes me feel and I can’t imagine what it does to Carole. We gave up trying for more and we three are extremely happy and fortunate to have each other. I feel a twinge every time Keira says “I wish I had a sister”. Thanks for writing this post Jane.

    • This posts response has completly amazed me. It took two years for me to write and I knew I wasn’t alone in my misfortune but I am astonished at how many people I know that have suffered the same fate. ThAnks for commenting and lots of love to you and your family

  46. What a beautifully written post while talking about such an emotional subject- you are a very talented writer. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes while feeding my daughter and giving her an extra big cuddle. X

  47. I’m so sorry for your loss. When I feel down about things, I remember how fortunate I am that all of my babies are still with me. Hugs.

  50. Oh Jane. You are so amazing with words.

    Having gone through the same pain three times I have had a friend turn to me for support this week as she has just gone through it herself for the first time. Even though I’ve been there there’s nothing I can say that will lift her spirits, she just has to ride it out and in time the weight of the pain will lighten and she’ll be able to move forward.

    It is a truely afwul thing for anyone to go through and it makes me so mad that my lovely frinds, or anyone for that matter, who are so deserving of a child to love have to endure the loss of a baby.

    Big hugs Jane xxxxx

    • Thanks lovely,

      I completly agree that it is one of lifes cruelest tricks.

      Your comment made me cry (which is a little embarrassing as I am sat in a field surrounded by parents waiting for sports day to start….) X

  53. Hi Jane, I am new to your blog and have only just stumbled on this post as I was having a nose around. What a sad thing. I am so sorry. The same happened to us at the beginning of the summer. I hope that the crack in your heart is mending. BM x

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  56. Amazing post. I had the same happen at 10 weeks with my first pregnancy. I’ve never willed an image to move so much. I’m now even more grateful for my two children but the ache never completely leaves x

  57. Hello dear fellow mum; i can’t even begin to imagine how it must have been for you. The thought of what you saw makes my heart break in so many ways. So so so sorry for your loss and well done for the grace with which you shared your story with your readers. My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the very best as you journey through this road.

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