Becoming the bearded lady….

I was pretty cool about turning 40.

Or so I thought…

However with only 3 months to go before I leave the comfort of my thirties and hurtle into what sounds a very bloody old age, I find myself succumbing to a midlife crisis and spending longer than necessary looking at my reflection in the mirror counting wrinkles and grey hairs.

Last week I found myself staring with pure resentment at a bunch of University students.  They all had great hair, their breasts were up closer to their chin than their toenails, they didn’t look tired, they were wearing shorts or dresses that showed off legs that didn’t have veins and cellulite.  They had youth that I don’t even remember having when I was young.

This morning I even tried to scrape my hair back into a ponytail in order to smooth out the forehead.  The resulting effect was that I looked like a slaphead with a tuft for a pony tail. The kids refused to leave the house until I let my hair down and my face droop.

Fecking 40.

Women age, but yet we don’t feel it.  Except for after 9pm, when nothing sounds more attractive than a cup of tea in bed.

But, jaysus, between the hours of 7am and 9pm – we feel as if we did in our twenties, and it is not bloody fair that our faces don’t reflect it.

I have turned into that woman who chases after the young and tells them to appreciate their age, look after their skin, cherish every moment.

(So in short, I have turned into the town nutter.)

And when that doesn’t work, I like to list all the stuff that is going to go wrong with their body – just so they can plan ahead and one day, when they catch up in years I have the pleasure of saying I told you so.

Younger than 40 – read on for your future…..

Older than 40 – please don’t add anything that has not already happened to me…

Hair – it grows frigging everywhere…. At first you will try to hide it from the world.  Leaving the house without tweezers is like trying to drive a car without keys.   Then suddenly you will find acceptance with you new gorilla style face.  You will mention in a whisper to a friend that you plucked a hair longer than a strawberry lace from your chin that morning, and she will confess she tweezed a hard black one from her neckline.

Before you know it, you will be cackling like hens on speed about how long it takes you to tweeze your chin, and saving the good un’s to show and tell at a later date.

You will find comfort in the fact that it is normal to grow a beard as you age, and if you have the misfortune of meeting anyone who has remained hair free, defriend them                 instantly – you don’t need that crap in your life.

Hair (again) – you may lose it from where it is supposed to grow….  Honestly, this mainly happens to the menfolk – but hey, it would be wrong not to include them.  But also women find that sometimes life, stress, and everything else can cause that hair on your head to literally fall out.

Hair clearly has an ironic sense of humour.  Solving this problem can include hats,  or scarves tend to be popular….I don’t recommend the ponytail tuft look if you are experiencing hair loss.  My kids don’t recommend the ponytail tuft look at all.

That stuff starts to sag…  I blame the boob droopage on breastfeeding.  But truth be known, I don’t really recall every associating the word pert with my cleavage.  You can hide the sagginess from the world with a decent bra, but at some point your kids will walk in when you are changing and ask if your nipples are really supposed to touch your toes when you bent over.

Kids never lie when it comes to body image.

Anyway, use the breastfeeding card, even if you bottle fed, it makes you sound like you gave up your tits for the greater good of your child…

Hair –  again – it grows on your toes…. A friend of mine made me howl this week when she asked if my toes were hairy yet.  Don’t worry about saving for a mortgage or a pension when you are young, you need to focus on saving up for waxing sessions when middle age hits – it is going to be expensive!

Your body can embarrass you without warning… when you least expect it.  I am trying to treat my body well, I exercise, eat lots of green stuff, you would think it would thank me.  But no – so far this week my body has released a fart when I was trying to do a pull up in the gym, right next to a handsome fella.  It has also leaked wee when my friend made me guffaw on the phone.

Respect your body people, but don’t expect the same in return…

I could go on, I really could, but I think that is enough for one day.

Happy aging folks, and remember – you older ladies and gents – I don’t want to know what it coming….