Psychomama

by

Its one of those things that shouldn’t be hard but is and it normally reduces me to the verge of tears every time I attempt it.

I did it today, it was as I expected; challenging, emotional and at times really quite unpleasant. Twin girl also found the experience traumatic and did a lot of crying but twin boy seemed to remain emotionally unscathed. I couldn’t take the extra stress so I left beautiful baby at home in bed with the dog nanny on guard downstairs.

Yes, mummy and the twins went Tesco’s.

You probably saw me; I am the mummy who manages to hold it together in the newspaper aisle but then slowly starts to come apart as we pass the colourful, alluring toy aisle. Repeated demands of ‘leave it, stop it, don’t touch it’ fall on deaf ears as my children run like demented fools sending Barbie flying and causing irreparable damage to lego blocks and pre school toys.

By the time we hit aisle four (of twenty!), the unsuspecting bakery section, it had all started to head to choasville. Some tesco employed fool has left a range of muffins uncovered with handy prongs to help yourself if you are not quite tall enough.

Twin boy started to head towards them in a trance like state with his nose upturned sniffing like a bassett hound; I was engrossed in staring at the calorific content of a chocolate swiss roll. Twin girl managed to alert me to possible naughty behaviour and as I turned my view went into slow motion as I watched twin boy’s grinning open mouth clamp down into a chocolate chip muffin.

Well, I apologise for what happened next….

Reasonable loving mummy disappeared and was replaced by Psychomama. Psychomama stormed up the aisle doing a decent vocal impression of a cow in labour, yelling ‘noooooooooo’!
Twin boy looked up with crumbs falling from his mouth to the floor. He instantly realised that normal mummy had left the supermarket and he started to cower behind a row of bagels. Other yummy mummys with angelic children sitting quietly in the shopping trolley stopped to watch the deranged red faced Psychomama whip the muffin out of his hand and issue a series of threats and punishments that everyone knew she could never keep. The list included and was not restricted to:

No more chocolate…ever
Potential loss of a finger for stealing..
Cancelation of christmas

And finally the last punishment Psychomama issued before normal mummy resumed control of her body was;

‘And no tv all week unless you behave’

Normal mummy snapped back into action at this point – what mother could live without the television in half term?

We headed to the chilled food aisle so the cold air could soothe the enhanced colouring in my cheeks. Twin girl attempted to pocket a cheese string but thought twice when the memory of Psychmama crossed her mind.

An unfortunate collision followed shortly after with an old lady and twin girl occurred when twin girl decided that showing me how to street dance would be appropiate next to the baked beans. The screaming that followed from both parties was smoothed over by a promise of Malteasers at the end. The old lady refused the little red bag of treats preferring to walk off muttering about poor parenting and uttering phrases that began with “in my day….”

By the time we reached the last aisle we looked a motley crew, I was sweaty, clothes were slightly dishevelled by my Psychomama run. Twin boy still had chocolate oozing out of the cracks of his mouth and twin girl was exhausted from all the dancing.

Now have you noticed the last aisle of the supermarket always contains copious amount of alcohol. Until I had children I didn’t realise why. Now I know that by forcing mummys to endure all the other rows of food and frozen goods by the time you reach the final frontier a glass of wine is always a bloody good idea. Sometimes the tequila case is more than appealing. There is no way you can avoid the glittering buy two get one free offer on this aisle when you have survived the rest of the shop. So true to form our budget shop this week was ruined by over splurging on pretty bottles containing white, pink and red liquid.

Now is four o clock too early to pour a glass?

Or as my friend sara would say – make mine a pint it saves on refilling!

27 thoughts on “Psychomama”

  3. Tesco online, it’s the only way! Without having to handle three little ones I lurch off towards the dessert chiller cabinet and the booze section after 10 minutes, I’m amazed you survived at all!

  7. I hadn’t made the link between the location of the booze and mums’ stress levels before! Our local morrisons has booze in almost separate room…

  8. oh we’ve all been there! I once stepped over toddler daughter who was having a tantrum on the supermarket floor, and walked off to the next aisle…. she soon followed, but a ditsy(?) well maby dipsomanical , judging by the contents of her basket, said ah, whats the matter then? in a thee there voice, slightly older son answered VERY loudly. “Sheer bad temper”
    mmm. out of the mouths..

  9. Been there, five kids under ten. That, I am sure, is all I need to say.

    Never listen to the tuts around you, or if you do, stand proud and say ‘I’ve done my best, anyone else want a go?’ It’s amazing how quiet people go, and how fast they back away..

  11. After the last incident of waiting until we have full trolley at furthered distance from loo. Decided wanted a wee. Then wouldn’t go because didn’t like loo… I now shop on line.

  12. I haven’t been in a supermarket with the kids since Nipper trashed the ‘at-the-till-sweetie-display’. I was totally unapologetic for his behaviour since I couldn’t buy my shopping without going through the check-out and so they shouldn’t have that stuff within arms reach of the trolley. Online shopping is a must and worth every penny of the delivery charge!

  14. If you book Tesco for Tuesday afternoon the delivery is only £3.50 (at least it is up north!). I’d happily pay three times that to avoid carting baby, toddler and a week’s worth of food round the shop and back home again. Don’t think I’ll ever go back to big supermarket trips.

  18. Hilarious post! I HATE going grocery shopping with Kit Kat (past experience has either been them fighting with each other, me definitely fighting with them unless I got them everything they wanted or my hubby and I fought with each other as we could never control the two!) – totally know what you mean 🙂 Have been shopping online for groceries for almost 6 yrs now …way to go! Good luck1

  19. Top tip…..
    Hit the veg aisle first, buy sprouts (1 pack for each twin) enthuse about their wonders………..
    Strike a deal, if, and only if, children behave like angels for the whole shop will they be allowed to leave them at the cheque out.
    If they waiver, then, in my experience a threat of sprout sandwiches will, either jolt them back to the straight and narrow, or reduce them to helpless giggles. Either result should get you out in one piece with children in reasonable humour.
    X

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