Dear Gina Ford, I’m sorry….

by

Dear Gina,

I’m sorry;

I have been bewitched. 

 I am completely and utterly spellbound by an eight month old baby girl.

Twin boy and girl were not different, they captivated my heart from the moment they crept out the sunroof, but as they came as a pair  adhering to your routines meant I had a life which involved sleep and lots of it.  But with BB  she has clearly cast a spell on me as she has conjured me into taking a new parenting path; which involves complete abandonment of the rules

Your much loved book sits dusty on the toilet windowsill.  I dare not crack the spine as I am pretty sure your routines don’t read like this:

 Routine for a breastfeeding baby at six to nine months

7am: baby to be woken by daddy’s gentle snores as she sleeps in between her besotted and tired parents.  Baby may or may not have a feed from both breasts; it really depends on how much she drank at 3am

8am:  baby to remain in pj’s for next few hours as twin boy and girl dominate the morning

 8.30am: baby to be tossed a rusk in the car for breakfast as mummy shouts at older children to buckle up and get a move on.

 9.15am: baby to nod off wherever baby happens to be

 10am:  baby to be woken by frantic late mother scrubbing remains of rusk off her face with johnson’s baby wipe before heading to some activity that no doubt will include winding up the bloody bobbin again.

 10.30am baby starts to grizzle and arches her body towards mothers breast, mother to then sigh and comment how she should have dropped this feed  ages ago whilst lifting top.

 10.32am: baby unlatches with wicked glint in eye, giggling at yet another exposure of mummy’s boob.  Mummy eats cookie as forgot to eat breakfast.

 Between 10.32 and 11.45: baby lurches towards breast in annoyance if anyone says ‘are you still breastfeeding her?’ Or ‘isn’t she getting too old for that now?’

11.45am: baby throws a variety of food on floor and grins madly at mummy who claps and shrieks well done every time a tiny particle enters her mouth.

12.30am:  mummy places calm baby in a darkened room in her cot for lunchtime sleep.

 12.32am: baby shouts until mummy comes back and hands over the boob for one last feed before nap time.

 Baby now sleeps as long as baby goddamn wants.

 2.30pm: baby refuses a milk feed, preferring to wait until mummy is driving to school to pick up the twins to mention she is peckish.

5pm: baby once again covers the floor with a variety of food.

5.30pm: baby has some open air time, on change mat mummy  encourages her to have a kick.

5.32pm: baby defecates on said change mat much to wild amusement of older siblings and encourages unhealthy interest from rapid hound.

 5.34pm: bath followed by quick once over with massage cream.

 6.00pm: baby takes full feed from both breasts whilst mummy bathes older children, practices reading with them, gets them into PJ’s and mops floor with the broom handle protruding from her arse.

 7.00pm: baby goes to sleep in darkened room in own cot.

 3.02am: baby wakes up for a snack

 3:32am: baby points out that mummy and daddy’s bed is bigger, more squidgy, and warmer than own cot and refuses to settle until she gets her own spot in it.

 3:45am: baby sleeps attached to mummy with daddy’s arm on her tummy.  Baby is happy.

From the last time I read your manuscript Gina, I recall your routine to be a little different.  So I apologise; I still think your routines are superb but this child has stolen my heart and ridiculed my authority and I can’t bear to hear her sob.

Plus there is only one of her so I can bend the rules a little; can’t I?

yours sincerely,

a little tired northernmum

xxx

45 thoughts on “Dear Gina Ford, I’m sorry….”

  2. Northern Mummy – HILARIOUS!!! That post has put a smile on my face – so like my baby (now 2yrs old) but so funny. And so true. Fantastic!!

  8. love it. As am expecting number 3 and dreading how to do bedtimes I particularly enjoyed ‘baby takes full feed from both breasts whilst mummy bathes older children, practices reading with them, gets them into PJ’s and mops floor with the broom handle protruding from her arse’ Brilliant. I shall be emulating your arse sweeping activities.

  10. This post is brilliant! I was determined to do Gina Fords routine but the STRESS it caused was ridiculous. My husband one day chucked the book out the window (literally!) and we were all much happier! Great stuff x

  12. Hearing every word. my 5 month old feeds twice in the night as well as on the hour in the day. I stick with her nap times and that lunchtime theory is pretty spot on. My 2 yr old still loves her nap. As for all that settle with cooled water malarky. pah. its always about the boob

  13. Phew! it’s not just me then 🙂 my mum keeps nagging me that i should have a strict routine but i’m happy, he’s happy, what more can you ask for? x

  14. Haha brilliant post! Such hilarious imagery with the broom. LOL’d I actually did!

    Can’t say I ever had the urge to try Gina Ford, but then little one often wakes me after 9am (hey I struggle with insomnia!) and we’re often not dressed til we’ve had lunch. Think I’d be booted out of Gina bootcamp in disgrace.

  15. *Stands up and addresses the room* I never read Gina Ford!

    I have 4 children aged 4 – 14 and I did with all of them what you are doing with yours., guess what?…They survived! (and bloody lovely they are too!)

    Hilarious piece, made me laugh, thanks!

  18. Ah she has smitten you and got you wrapped round your finger 🙂 I only ready Gina’s Twin book for direction on how to get the twins into a routine but gave up following it when they reached 6-9 months as no way would they sit quietly and watch you wash up whilst they digest their meals….. With the first born it was the Baby Whisperer.

  19. Great post!

    I think there’s no exact science in bringing up children. They’re all different, parents are all different and therefore different rules apply for each.

    With my four children I apply the try and test and if it doesn’t work take a crack at another route.

    I fed all of my daughters for ten months. I have no idea what Gina suggests, like Chris above I have never read anything she has written. Truth be told I haven’t even heard of her. OK, the real truth is I have never read a parenting book in my life.

    In my mind a good parent is loving, communicative, respectful, can tell them when they’ve stepped over the line, and has a good sense of humour.

    Your blog shows you to be a very good mother.

  23. I actually laughed out loud at ‘baby now sleeps as long as baby goddamn wants.’

    You wouldn’t believe what the routine has been like with number 4 in our house! But we all somehow get through the day anyway….

  26. Love it! Typing one handed with v contented 8 month old finally asleep after 2 hours of teething/babbling/crawling round cot/dancing round room – at last got his way with milk and mummy on sofa at 5.30am. Tired and soft southern mum!

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