I have a defective child

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I am beginning to think Twin Boy is a defective model.  I cannot find his off switch, his volume switch is utterly knackered and fixed in the ‘high’ position; he cannot be trained in any way and he doesn’t seem to have a control panel at all.  He also leaks some fluid from his nose at quite an alarming rate which I really don’t think can be normal in any way.

I just bloody well knew that buy one get one free offer was too good to be true. 

I can’t even find his receipt, just for the off chance that they offer returns after five years.  We also tore the house apart looking for the guarantee so at least we could try and get him repaired but the only paperwork we could find was a no help at all birth certificate (its not like we are going to forget his name) and a rather cute tag from the hospital where we collected him.  It’s blue and shaped like a bear, the tag that is not the birth certificate.

So I think we going to have to keep him, I have looked on EBay but the going rate for loud, hyperactive, little boys seems to be quite low.  Even if they are quite cute to look at.  Someone suggested that I could demand quite a sum if I put Twin girl on there and sold them as a pair but she told me today that she will be my best friend forever and that she will never be mean to me when she is a teenager so I haven’t the heart to sell her off.  (Don’t worry I am not daft, in case she was telling a porkie I wrote her words down and got her to sign it so if she goes back on her word its EBay all the way)

So if anyone has any hints or tips on how to tame a five year old slightly loopy, deafeningly noisy, green nosed but completely loveable little boy please send your tips my way.

13 thoughts on “I have a defective child”

  2. Buy some ear plugs or learn to shout a little louder that is what my sister has done with her hyperactive 5year old. She brought an Ipod and she has learnt to shout. She also brought a dog so that she got a break from the noise on a regular basis! xxx

  3. Haha brilliant, can i just say they seem to get worse and definitely louder as they get older, Master7 used to be quite nice when he was 5, seems an age ago. x

  4. You are describing the younger version of my son. He always made out he came from planet “Deffland” where they had completely different rules and norms and he was conforming to those instead of those here on planet Earth. You have only about fifteen to twenty years to go till he leaves the nest (I don’t just mean” leaves the nest” I mean “leaves the nest and takes his washing with him”), then if you wait for about seven years after that you will find you have produced the nicest, kindest, most got-together human being and you will feel so proud of him. (Just in time for him to look after you in your dotage!)
    The only tips I have are gin and tonic, say your mantra and try yoga breathing.

  7. My model has a snooze button that works for about and hour and a half after lunch and an off button from about 7.30pm each night. It switches itself on again at around 7am. The rest of the time it’s giving the energizer bunny a run for it’s money!

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