Why a wet suit is evil

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Evil can be found in the most curious of places, it can hide in a multitude of shapes and sizes.  It can even disguise itself as a wetsuit.  This may seem far fetched to anyone who has not met my wet suit but I promise you the black glossy foam hides a devilish manner.

Before yesterday I have never owned a wetsuit.

Last year, we traveled down to Cornwall for a family holiday.  The weather was average, the sea was colder than a polar bears toenail, the children and their father didn’t care – because they all had wetsuits.  I stood gingerly on the side of the ocean, poking a toe in on occasion and then shivering in my shorts.  I didn’t buy a wetsuit because I thought it would cling to all the places I would rather I didn’t have, I promised myself that next year I would join in the fun.

Next year has circled around quickly.  We are heading back to Cornwall in a week.  Clearly twelve months ago I envisioned strutting into the store and plucking a size ten wetsuit off the hanger and paying with a jubilant smile.  Reality is I wobbled a bit yesterday when I went to score myself a suit and the only ten on the tag related to the price.

But I did it, I bought a wetsuit.

I had a ‘strong female moment’ where I told myself a few extra lumps and bumps didn’t mean I couldn’t swim in the Atlantic.  My wetsuit was about having fun not my dress size.

I didn’t know at this point the wetsuit was evil.

We got home, my wetsuit and I, and I shook out the neoprene beauty out of the bag and quickly removed my outer garments in an eagerness to try on my new swimming aid.  It looked enormous – this should have been my first clue of its satanic properties.

I stretched out my right foot and eased it into the suit.  So far so good, my foot slid in easily and the garment moved up my leg.  I took my left leg and popped it through the second hole.  I lost my balance for a moment, but luckily I was by the bed and fell onto a cushion.  I giggled, cuddling my wetsuit to my legs, thinking this was our first humorous memory together.

I stood up again, in my matching undies, with a wetsuit round my knees.  I reached down and yanked up.

The it all started to go wrong.

My calves dangled out of the wetsuit like matchsticks through a toilet roll.  But then the whole suit stopped abruptly on my thighs refusing to ease upwards and reach my bikini area.

I think stuck was the word I was searching for.

I didn’t see this as a deterrent, instead I saw it as a challenge.

Convinced that like spanx, the suit would eventually give and shift up over my behind I leaned forward and shoved my arms through the sleeves.  I was now in a backward bridge like position with my feet and hands on the floor and the devil suit riding up my arse and flapping loosely on my thighs.  The midrift was glued to my stomach, giving me the appearance of a distressed black whale and standing seemed an impossibility.

BB wandered into the room for a moment, saw my position, snorted and walked out again.

I could see she was to be no help.

Inch by inch I started to return my head back to the skyline.  I got to a 90 degree angle and realised I was fast once more, with arms stuck out like a scarecrow and matchstick legs flapping.

I started to feel fear as the devils grip of the wetsuit began to tighten.

I couldn’t decide which way to go, to go down was defeat, upwards impossible.  So I did the obvious thing, I reached for the zip to seal my fate.

Clearly wet suits are manufactured by men or flat chested women. The zip reached my chest and screeched to a halt in an angry protest.

Now, I was bent, with a breeze blowing up the holes in my legs, my arms stuck out out and my zip fast.

Truth be told I was starting to ache and my breathing was becoming laboured.

I couldn’t even sit in my wetsuit never mind mimic a mermaid who has eaten one too many pies.

After suffering in this stance for quarter of an hour I tried to entice my three year old to help. Eventually I bribed her with a chocolate bourbon and she agreed to try and tackle the zip.  I fell to the bed with an exasperated sigh and lay huddled in the fetal position whilst she yanked at the zip.

“It is hard mummy,” she panted whilst tugging and shoving and bruising most of my lower body.

An eternity past until suddenly I heard a rumble and the zipper fell back to my arse.  The three year old took her foot off my back, rubbed her hands together in satisfaction, grabbed the biscuit and wandered off.

I peeled the wetsuit from my arms, unsuckered it from my stomach and gently climbed out of the super-size trunks.

It now lives in a bag by the door.

I will be content with toe dipping again this summer.

Wet suits are evil – that is all.

 

 

 

 

 

33 thoughts on “Why a wet suit is evil”

  2. My first introduction to wet suits was trying to get into my husband’s on a beach. Many a time I’ve been picked up with the suit around my waist and shaken like a bag of potatoes.

  3. That is hilarious! I hate then too, I still own my shortie wetsuit from my younger thinner days and I have kept it in case I am ever that thin again. Should throw it away really as that is never going to happen.

  5. Don’t be defeated. Take it back to the shop, explain and ask them for help in the perfect fit. Apparently there are a lot of dodgy wet suits on the market. Ones that aren’t really neuroprene. Just pretending. And where is the photo?

  7. Maybe you should put the wetsuit in the garage if it really is evil? Mark the bag with a cross first though.
    Your earlier post about running inspired me to get my trainers back out after a few months off – someone has built a whole house since I last went for a run. It did not feel good.

  8. Oh you brave, brave, woman! There’s always next year!
    I was kinda hoping that the wetsuit would turn into a sort of body-shaping suit that would trap all the necessary bits and be ultra-slimming… I take it I was very wrong then?!

    xx Jazzy

  9. I can totally relate! I’ve owned many wetsuits. Mainly pre-children when they fitted so easily. I’ve just handed my last wet suit onto my eldest daughter, who looks brilliant in it. Sigh. I’m sure it’s shrunk. There is little worse than trying to struggle into a wet suit that is too small. Especially while trying to hold onto any dignity on the beach.

  10. Crazy lady. Sit in a beach bar and encourage them from the side with a glass of wine in your hand!

    Kev once had to rescue me from a shop changing room when I got stuck half way into a wetsuit and had a panic attack, it was not a pretty site. I think I scared the other customers with my screaming and anxious gasping breathes! Never again.

    Looking forward to seeing you all in Cornwall soon, please bring the sunshine!

  11. Wetsuits are evil. Bikinis are evil. The ocean is evil. Sand is evil. Big fuck-off waves of freezing water are evil incarnate. Oh, hang on, I’ve just thought of something you can do on the beach that isn’t evil. Drinking wine in your tent.

    Very funny post by the way!

  16. Oh goodness, and it wasn’t even wet?! You haven’t lived until you’ve pulled on a wet wetsuit that’s previously been worn. Imagine all that pushing and shoving, whilst wondering what is still lurking inside your suit, because – let’s face it – once it’s on, you’re not going to bother unzipping it for a wee, are you?

  17. I am on my fourth attempt at a wetsuit. The latest i ordered from Canada. They took my measurements, I felt encouraged. I am a 16 with 18 chest. I tried it on when no one else was in the house. Mistake. I got stuck and had to ask a neighbour for help. My arms were totally immovable like a straight jacket. I was boiling and in a panic. Never been so glad to see my friend. Guess i need a couple of sizes up. Still determined to find one that fits so i can swim in the North sea. Yes, I am a nutter but am told it is great fun!!

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