Things I have learnt whilst camping

I have learnt about Insects

Flies and bees see canvas as a place to die.

Flies and bees have large families who come to pay their respects when a loved one passes away.

Fly spray tastes rancid when you swallow it.

Fly spray is also effective at murdering most small insects.

I have learnt about food and drink

BBQ food becomes repetitive by the fifth night.

You can never tire of rose wine.

You can tire of fetching water from a tap 200 yards away.

I have learnt people skills

Other campers seem to forget they have not built sound proof tents.

Sometimes we forgot that our tent was sound proof.

I have learnt about farting

Women fart.

All women fart.

Seriously, this both amazed and repulsed me in equal measures. I am not claiming total innocence from trumping. But when I do expel air from my bottom it tends to be a puff rather than a parp, smells like Chanel no. 5 and is always done in the privacy of my own tent.

But other women, they make some hardcore noises and repugnant stinks.

One day I found myself following a rather beautiful specimen into the shared female bathroom on site. She was the type of woman that you don’t want to stand too close to first thing in the morning.

Her skin was a deep brown whereas mine was a radiant red from over enthusiastic sun bathing the day before. Her hair was tied up in a ‘don’t care’ fashion, but tendrils fell around her face framing it perfectly, and men’s mouths opened as she walked past their tents.  They quickly continued to slurp their tea when I staggered past.

She was slender, clothed in PJ’s that were wrinkle free. I wore my hair tied in a Mickey Mouse head band and was modelling fleece PJ’s topped with my other half’s t-shirt.

She looked hot at 8am, I looked like I had slept in a tent with three kids.

She strode into the bathroom and I kind of crept in behind her, sods law put us in stalls next to each other.

Then she farted.

She did so in a way that a teenage boy would be proud to record and put on Facebook.

It sent them all off. It was like a beauty queen had decreed it was fine to break wind in a public place. Suddenly women, mothers, grandmothers began ripping off inside their own loo.

It was a windy frogs chorus.

I didn’t join in, although sadly I later discovered my eldest daughter was in the end stall. I hope to hell she wasn’t the rasping one.

Camping has been a learning curve.