The Oracle of Parenting

by

I consider myself a bit of an oracle when it comes to parenting. I have no grounds or qualifications for such a claim but I do have five years experience, three children and am proud to say I have never lost any of them. Therefore I deem myself the newly crowned oracle of parenting.

So with my self proclaimed new title I have decided to impart some words of wisdom on those of you who have yet to enter the parenting domain and give you a list of my top ten things to do before you have children.

1. Enjoy a bit of you time in the toilet. Luxuriate in every wee, read whilst sitting; take a moment to enjoy the silence. It will not be long until a small child bursts into the bathroom, having broken the lock long ago, clutching at their front bottom and hopping madly. Forcing you to wee like Niagra and vacate the premises before Lake Victoria empties onto the floor.

2. Go out with your t’other half after seven pm, it doesn’t have to be far. Just run to the corner of the street and shout “I’m free, I’m free” in unison. You may not appreciate it at the moment but when your lounge becomes your cell of which you can only be broken out of by an overpriced babysitter you will remember the moment fondly.

3. Clean your car, drive it to places you want to go. When the little legs join your family it will quickly turn into a raisin filled toy box with a faint odour of sick and only be used for school runs, party drop offs, swimming lessons pick up and trips to the in laws.

4. Love your hangover, stay in bed with water, tablets and a grown up magazine. Get out of bed only to replenish your caffeine supply and be bold; leave the cup on the floor in plain sight and enjoy the lack of stains on the carpet. For extra fun imagine how horrendous the same hangover would feel with a five year old bouncing on your head, a baby in your arms and Mr Tumble shouting at you from the tv.

5. Spend a long time looking at your breasts (if you are a girl) enjoy their presence up near your chin. Reassure your lonely belly button that post breast feeding it will be getting some company.

6. Be blissful in your ignorance that there is a whole realm of tv children’s aimed just at the under fives; and a whole other realm aimed at over fives. Soon you will be humming the theme tune to “in the night garden” whilst making your morning cuppa.

7. Back in the car; drive for hours without needing to stop on the hard shoulder. Post children there is a good chance your pelvic floor won’t cope with the lack of services on the M25 and a guaranteed certainty that a child’s bladder will become fit to burst as soon as you see a sign reading “Welcome Break 75 miles”

8. Pay no real attention to milk. Ignore it and use it only in tea, coffee and cereal. Soon it will take on a focal point within your household. Long discussions will follow about how to store it, make it, express it, freeze it and subsequently defrost it. How much milk is ingested daily within your family unit will be a trending topic in your time line of life and will lead to many countless stressful moments.

9. Holiday; go when the hell you please; don’t let an ageing headteacher and a board of governors tell you when you can leave the country to hit the beach.

10. Sleep, press the snooze button a million times, just because you can!

Should any other oracles of parenting stumble upon this post please feel free to add some words of wisdom below to help the future parents of the world.

This blog post is sponsored by Giraffe Childcare.

69 thoughts on “The Oracle of Parenting”

  1. The only other thing I can think of goes without saying really. Have sex and lots of it. Make sure you do it anywhere you fancy, for after the kids arrive it will slow down….

    Mich x

  2. Brilliant and 100% accurate.

    I would add:
    11) (Agree with Michelle Twin Mum) Enjoy some quality Sexy time.
    12) Disposable income. As they say, If the shoes fits buy it in every colour. Mini feet grow quickly and Clarks know how to charge.

  3. ^ All of the above!

    and also: 13) Read! Books, magazines, the cereal box. Read them all, front to back & upside-down. Because post Smalls you never get the time & when you do have time you would rather be sleeping…

  4. You forgot one major point: Make the most of every all day drinking opportunity you get. A bank holiday afternoon in a pub garden doesn’t have quite the same appeal if you have to take a small person with you.

    Oh – and enjoy every moment of over-time you get at work. Staying late at the office becomes a tad trickier once you have to negotiate childcare arrangements.

    And – I’m on a roll – love your carpet. Once it’s covered in poo it might not have the same appeal.

    Last one – spend more than two hours getting ready in the morning. Once you have a child this will NEVER happen again.

    • I see you have thought about this:

      point 1. – agree wholeheartedly, although now I have three children I find that I drink excessively once more, a nip of gin first thing means the day is a win!
      Point 2. – Hmmmm very true although I am by heart quite lazy so enjoyed coming home and watching the soaps (do you remember them – always on just after bath and during tidying up time)
      Point 3. – 100% agree – I used to have a cream carpet in my old house and then I got a son and cat with reflux; I now have wooden floors which forever need footmarks cleaning off and dog poo!
      Point 4. – two hours? in two hours I could have a face lift and lose a stone if i tried – oh what luxury. I am in the office tomorrow and am about to start getting ready now as to avoid looking like complete cack.

      As always dear Molly pleasure to have you add to the blog 🙂 x

  5. The pleasure’s all mine – and good luck with the readying for work tomorrow. I find straightening the hair and waxing the hairy toes the night before give me a bit of a lift. Oh, and Spanks pants. Always a winner. x

  6. Oh Oracle, this is a good post!
    Can I suggest these lucky individuals leave their iPhones in an accessible place, leave the lav door open, and the toilet seat up? Because post-tiddler, this combination must never ever happen again *sob*

  7. I am laughing out loud!

    I agree wholeheartedly with all the above, but would like to add.

    1. Enjoy the silence as it won’t be long before every second is filled with questions, some you can answer, some you can’t and some you just don’t want to.

    2. Go out with a tiny bag, that only needs to hold your purse, phone and some lip gloss. With children you can’t go anywhere without a HUGE bag and even then the contents will spill everywhere as you fumble for your car keys ( or is that just me ).

    3. Enjoy feeling clean. With children comes stickyness. You’ll soon be smelling of sick, milk, snot and smoothie, with a layer of rice cake and jam over your jeans!

    • oh yes the bag!

      i actually just emptied mine: its contents were:

      one pair of sunglasses – mine
      one pair of knickers – bb’s (?)
      four tissues containing bogeys – 3 hard, one fresh
      £1.50 in loose change
      One purse – empty
      One rattle – chewed
      one nappy – clean
      Three packets of wipes – now I know why I can never bloody find any
      Two packets of crayons – both with red missing
      One packet of rectal diazepam
      One hairband – pink – twin girls
      One car – blue – twin biys
      One lipstick – top missing contents destroyed
      One blusher – chewed

      I miss the days of clutch bags…

  8. Oh dear! I’m impressed that you checked the state of the bogeys 🙂

    Mine contains:

    4 nappies in 2 sizes ( all clean )
    1 nappy bag -empty
    1 nappy bag – full and smelly
    2 half empty boxes of raisins
    1 tommee tippee cup – half full of water, slightly leaking
    2 pairs of sunglasses and a hat – not mine
    3 hair clips – little girls
    1 blanket – very dirty
    lipgloss – no lid, inside of bag quite sticky and pink
    1 pack of wipes 🙂
    4 money off vouchers for nappies – all expired
    2 lego bricks and a car
    1 pair of boys pants
    teething ring
    antibacterial hand spray
    half pack of tissues – clean
    several empty wrappers from fruit roll ups and an empty juice carton

    Ooooops I think someone needs to clean her bag out more often!

    Have we found a new meme??

  12. This just about sums it up. Why couldn’t you have posted this 15 months ago? Why did no one warn me!? Actually, they did, but like a fool I ignored advice and thought ‘how hard can it be’.. I stand corrected. Thanks for the giggles.

  13. Yowza, you NAILED it, honey. Where the fark have you been all my life?

    I have nothing to add. Your list is quite thorough and accurate! If I knew then what I know now, I would have spent much more time admiring my then-perky breasts and luxuriating alone on the can, minus the fake turd on the rim.

  15. What a fab post! Tom and I are determined not to have any more children and worry that we will soften on this policy as time goes by and we forget… (I’m figuring you fell into that trap?) I think i’m going to turn this post into wallpaper and paper the whole house in it so i have constant reminders of why two is the magic number…

    • That is a remarkably good idea!

      I went for three as I stupidly thought one would be easier than twins – what I forgot was one plus two equals three!

  16. How do you always make me wet myself laughing? Love the post! I am also thinking about the amount of crap I have in my changing bag!

      • 3 vests
        1 baby grow
        My purse
        4 packets of milk
        4 bibs all used
        Various socks, dirty and clean
        My work phone -dead!
        8 nappies, not sure why that many.
        My jewellery!
        My credit card bill
        Stuffed teddy and rattle
        2 baby hats

        Poor baby. At least he has vests though. And lots of milk!

      • Haha!! Are you pinching socks from little kiddies? I am imagining surprised babies with sudden bare feet, where yellow striped socks once kept them warm.

        • I must stress no babies have been harmed making this blog. And it my defence one foot will still be warm as I only appear to have collected an odd one. In saying that it could have been one of the twins. The boy one is a little klepto, I often find kinder eggs in my bag after leaving Tescos. I mean why put them by the till….

  18. The baby wipes are always in the bag…

    I’d add:

    1. Enjoy talking to a friend on the phone without a constant yelling of, “Mum!” in the background.
    2. Bounce on a trampoline for more than 3 bounces without needing to hop off and use the loo.
    3. After cleaning a room, relish in the fact that when you return in two minutes, after a trip to the loo, it will still be clean.

    And I agree with Michelle’s sex one as well!! 😉

    • Sex back on the comments eh! honestly ladies!

      Agree with the three, except I will confess without children I dont think I would jump on a trampoline!

      xx

  19. OMG, I want to comment on every single point here because it’s all just so true!!! Great post – I think I may even save it as a favourite!!

  20. This is a brilliant post, I would also add with the boobs, buy fantastic gorgeous underwear, ones that push them up and can only be warn when sitting having a gorgeous meal out. As post children you need boulder holders that make sure your boobs don’t go anywhere while running around after children xxx

  21. Just brilliant. My post of the week over at Notes from Home 😀

    I’d also add make the most of waiting in line at the supermarket without having to put back the 20 tubes of sweets and 10 packets of gum that your clepto toddler will try to steal.

  22. I would add/ amend.
    1/ Take plenty of short breaks. Because there is no point in a short break when you have to take a small child with you.. Holidays of less than a week should be avoided once you are a parent.
    2/ Cultivate a good relationship with your parents and inlaws if they live nearby. Sound them out about their desperation for grandchildren and their willingness to babysit. Draw up legal documents if possible.
    3/ Have a few lost weekends; drink too much, stay out too late and stay in bed all weekend. Because you’ll lose weeks once you are a mother but not for the right reasons.

    • Legal documents! Bloody genius woman – this could be a business venture for you. We are just getting back into short breaks but they involves caravans and people dressed up as dancing bears. Not quite a spa break!

      Fancy coming on our brighton weekend (see earlier comments)

  24. Brilliant! Funniest thing I’ve read in ages. I agree you missed the sex part out but perhaps you felt that one was obvious 🙂

    I’m going to brag now that I’ve still got a pert pair of bussoms. However, as I mother of one I may not be so smug if I reproduce further. I’ll let you know! 😀 xX

  26. Hilarious post and comments – laughed all the way through. About all I can add is that at 65 I have no need of wearing an uncomfortable bra to swaddle my somewhat sagging bussoms. No one, and I do mean no one, looks at an elderly woman’s chest 😀

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