They say time is a healer, but I think her powers must be fading, because as time wanders on I still can’t seem to find my feet in the new life I am leading. I perceive myself as strong, as having shoulders that can carry most burdens. Yet, recently I seem to walk with a stoop as my load seems heavier than usual.
Trying to come to terms with life not being all that you envisioned is tough, and it aches and at times it stings.
Longing for a life once had simply creates a sorrow that can’t be wiped away, instead it needs to be digested.
I am not the first woman to separate from her husband. I am not the first to try to raise a family with parents in two homes. I know others have tread this road, felt this sadness and have still emerged the other side.
But, it feels like a bloody long road.
I have come so far from what once was a life full of busy weekends, of two parents running around, meeting in the middle, stopping for dinner on laps, then resuming the parenting race again. Of spending time with friends with their families, going to sleep at night sharing stories of the kids, rolling over in slumber and finding a warm body close to your own. Planning holidays, cheering at Sports Day, raising the ones you longed for hand in hand.
That life seems so far ago.
I carved out a new existence, I have danced till my feet ached, tried to hammer nails in the wall, I mow my own lawn, I parent the kids solo ten days out of fourteen. I have smiled, laughed, and put a brave face on.
But, I am knackered, because the road still seems to continue, and the future is clouded.
I have the upmost respect for single parents who navigate this far better than me. Who remember to read with each nightly with their little ones, rather than bundle them into bed so a minutes peace can be theirs. Who create costumes for World Book Day, rather than convince them to dress as characters who wear ‘normal’ clothes. One’s who remember their kids hospital appointments, clean their dirty shoes, and iron their uniform. Who don’t lose party invitations and who manage to find their son’s football boots more than five minutes before kick off.
I simply cannot juggle that many plates.
I know this is a phase, my marriage quietly came to a close eight months ago, I think reality dawned this week. It seems it takes me time to accept situations. I am strong enough to say I am scared of being alone, that I worry about what my future holds. I know the ache will end, I will feel better.
I know my cure lies in my friends, and talking, and swinging heavy weights above my head.
So I guess I will simply carry on…
This must be so tough! You are not the only mum who doesn’t manage to do all that stuff that Facebook leads you to believe is so important. You are doing amazing, and you are grieving for a life you once had too- I have every replacer for you and hope you find a new happy normal soon x x x
That was supposed to say respect not replacer!!!
Oh Jane I wish I still just lived up the road so I could actually help, and pop round with flowers and a listening ear. But I am only on the end of the phone and Devon is only a few hours drive away. We are here for a holiday with the kids – or simply drop them off for a few days! I am serious. Love you and love your brood. You will come through this. You are strong. xxx
And don’t you ever stop carrying on as there will be good times, as there will be other moments like this one. Time does heal but it’s still very early days and you are doing so fantastically well. Stop beating yourself up. Your kids are gorgeous, you have taken giant’s steps to be where you are now, don’t forget that and keep plodding on. You will one day turn around and be so proud of your journey, I promise. Cheers and chin up lovely lady xxx
Oh my dear friend Jane. It will get better. You are too amazing not to have a fabulous future ahead of you. It might not feel it but you are winning, it’s tiring being out in front. X
You are doing an amazing job! Your kids are a real credit to you, and obviously adore you, so don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m not a single Mum and have just one child and I still manage to miss appointments, lose things, and basically make a mess of motherhood! You are a real inspiration to so many people. Much love x
You are the strongest and bestest person I know. You WILL get through this. I so wish I could bloody do something to help you I feel so Flippin useless. I’m here for you. Love you lots xxxx
Oh love.
I understand this feeling from my own perspective. It does suck and there is ‘no way on but through’. Sending love and hoping to see you soon.
You are an amazing mum Jane and it sounds like the last year (and more) have been so full on for you all. I hope it does get much much easier very very quickly. Xx
Really, it’s not been very long since your separation, and it’s a huge upheaval, and you’re trying to deal with the additional needs of your children as well. It’s amazing that you’re keeping going and doing so well. I was told to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you’ll get there in the end. And old cliche, but it help xx
Oh Jane. Myself and OH are here, all the time. And I still never created costumes for World Book Day, forgot appointments, never cleaned their shoes, ironed their uniform (scrubbing off yesterday’s yoghurt at 8.20 is normal, right?)…
Life’s tough. And scarily busy. Sometimes we just need to let go of the small stuff, acknowledge the big stuff and shout loudly IT’S NOT FAIR.
(((hugs)))
It’s only eight months ago – that’s not long at all in the grand scheme of things. It’s such a huge change. Be kind to yourself. And remind yourself everyday that you’re doing okay. What you are doing, however you are feeing is good enough. X
Even those of us with two parents bundle kids into bed without reading, and try to convince our children to wear normal clothes for World Book Day!
Things sound terribly lonely, very hard and utterly demoralising for you at the moment. I can’t do anything to help. But I would like to think though that down the line one of your children will point back to the shadowed bit of Life’s Path that you are on at the moment and say “because I watched you do that, survive that and move on, I know that I have the strength to do this.” You are an amazing role model, and you are a great mum.
It’s undoubtedly a very difficult time for you, I imagine you’ve come a long way in the last 8 months. It must be very tough, adjusting, to everything. I do hope things settle for you bit by bit as time goes on and that your life is filled with friends, some laughter…. and wine 🙂
Having been there and all that, the best advice I can give you is take one day at a time, sleep when you can and take the time to step back every once in a while and realise just how well you’re doing.
Hugs x